Tuesday, 10 November 2015

Do you hear me?

                             I want to get rid of you so bad, you occupy the biggest space in my heart yet your so useless, I hate you.  I hate thinking about you, no matter how hard I try to escape from you, am like a child craved for and sought after to you. You find me and you hold me in your hands to the point of no breath, you suffocate me, you stalk and you squash me as I melt in anguish. why don't you just leave me alone already? Haven't I made it clear enough?  I don't need you, your so self centered. 
                         Tears always try to make their way down my cheeks when I think about you, because you make me sad, you lower my self esteem as you remind me of my dark side. I just want to be happy,  but you won't let me,  you always hover around, looking for new ways of creeping back into my life. Despite all my efforts to distance myself from you like an angry Pit-Bull, you assail me, ripping out  the smallest joy I have in my life, my close friends you push away whom by the way don't come easy considering my level of introversion and damn it! The good ones are hard to come by.
                         When I do succeed in beating you in this battle, I feel free like a bird. I stretch out my wings. Souring in the clear blue sky and savoring every breath of fresh air. I feel a wake, alive and blessed,  I cannot hold back my bliss as my face blossoms, my mouth curves into a smile without me noticing, I say to my friends "hello, how are you? How have you been?  How is your beautiful life? "I cannot stop singing, I enjoy every moment of freedom I get,  you cannot start to imagine the enormous amount of joy I feel.

                       Then. Like a magician,  you cast your dark spell upon me, flipping my moods and you remind me that I might have won the battle but war is coming.  I feel terrified because I hate the way you make me feel, God please help me I don't want to be a captive in my own body but the pathetic thing is when your gone too long. I start to miss you and when you're around for a slight second or a few minutes I enjoy your silence,  your presence feels like sweet cold juice on a sunny day, you make me discover my true self . I`m happy only if your around for a slight second not days, not months and God forbid you're around for years.
                              I need you but not that much, I think about the few moments I will be able to spend with you,  but that thought never lasts a minute in my head, it's like you don't exist in my life yet you do. You do. I cannot block you out completely,  you always come back two times stronger,  you make me vulnerable to the point of hiding away from everyone let alone my hobbies, only to confront the empty side of my bed, you occasionally give me this peculiar comfort, yes that's true but only to a certain degree.
                                 That said, let me assure you SOLITUDE. You might be the captain of this ship today but tomorrow I will get rid of you whichever way necessary,  I will get rid of every thought of you in my life and I will love to hear myself say these words "there's a new sheriff in town, her name "JOY " and she will sort you out. 

                              I remain yours truly Kahunde Sarah.